long time no hear...
Current mood: 
inspired
Category: Travel and Places
the absorbing lifestyle of the belgians, has sucked and drained both my time and energy for the last few weeks, that I hardly managed to write anything. I have been very very active trying to rebuild my life here, finding hope.. losing hope, series of dreams, intense wicked experiences and despair, homesickness for a country that's hardly mine. To sum it up short... it's been reckless and intense.
It started off landing in Amsterdam the 21st of december. The intercontinental flights or just the jetlag, always seems to flashstart my brain again, boom, baf, new world, empty mind. I experienced the radiant presence of an old sometimes friend, sometimes foe, the wicked witch of Europe. I mean, you know, the old land, the historicly severed and brutely cut slashed and used continent of our ancestors.
But it radiated some weird glow from under the freezing snowstorm morning I got there. My body felt anemic and cold, from not sleeping, and not enough clothes to keep me warm.
I had done away with the hot sweaters and the such when I drove my ass into california, and suddenly I needed them again.
I had booked a night at a hostel near the leidseplein, and hoped for some warm coziness, like one would get at for example the flying pig hostel. But no, cold sterile professional bullshit... here's international hostelling. God are those motherfuckers! I don't like the big corps, and I definitely don't like this one.
Too expensive, cold and unpersonal!! that about sums it up. Anywho, I pushed my bag in their pay-lockers and got to check in... I could only go to my room at 2! Ok! cold and extremely tired I walked doan the snowed in Amsterdam streets, I was freezin', but still managed to get myself high and slightly warmer over a cup of tea and a nice chat with the dealer at Dampkring. A coffeeshop I kind of like in Amsterdam. I don't usually smoke a lot so a few puffs of that pure roach, got me wasted and shaking (from the cold), back to my hostel... still couldn't get to my room. I cramped myself together in the sofa near the radiator, but the place was still too cold. I did enjoy watching a belgian tv station though and listening to all the news I had missed for months, well this being about the only time I've enjoyed belgian tv ... ever, it was quite the blast. Hearin' all the silly discussions about why they just couldn't get a government together for about 200 days... hihi, funny belgians.
The next day I took the train to belgium, I enjoyed chocolate spread sandwiches in the morning though, god it had been a while...
The train ride was cool and getting to the Antwerp station, with the sun shining radiantly, I felt relieved there were no cops to check my bags... i took a little pot home :p . But I felt good about the strange vibe my country was giving me, like it was trying to cope with me, trying to understand, recognize the strange creature that had landed it's soil once again... For a moment it was very comforting.. soon enough it would recognize me and blast all the metaforical bullshit of identity and belgian neurosis upon my head (the matters i have been tending to, rebuilding my identity, in a hostile environment).
I know all of this seems very esoteric, and it is... untill you live it.
Anyhow, this being said, I continued adapting to belgium the next few days I spent 'hiding' in gent with my friend Yves. I was planning on surprising my family back home by casually dropping in on christmas eve... a happy plan that kind of got wrecked when I got an email that my dog had just died half an hour ago... my heart broke and I didn't know if I could still keep this stuff quiet. I called my mom and told her I was in belgium, we talked and agreed that I should better carry through the plan for my brothers, and wait another few days before coming home.
It wasn't a good time for coming home right then anyhow, the grief my youngest brother felt for his long time compadre, would in no way let him enjoy my homecoming. I waited.
My friends took me to a party that night but I didn't really feel it, I mean, too much stuff on my mind, grief, excitement, and brilliant luminance. For some reason, my mind was very very clear and I could almost without prejudice see all the details and psychologies of human student party - behaviour, somehow upsetting, somehow cute and comforting... too much to describe though.
A few days later I rang the door, around 7pm, maybe 7:30, christmas eve, it was a blast, the hugs the emotion, all the craziness together, seeing this mad family again. The people I love, and for some reason have reinvent in my life as well..
I won't tell too much about these personal matters, you can all imagine your own families, and with a bit of effort you might get the picture pretty well.
So the last weeks have been fitting in, running off (for a small and wonderfull trip to france or england or anywhere...), getting smashed, using psychedelics, and praying mantras. All for the cause of finding how I could be the person I feel to be, within this old world, how to change this old world to my needs and person. How to bring across that I feel to be a very different person, more myself than ever... imagine, fucking hard I tell ya!!
Anyhow, right now things are starting to get together, I am getting a good feeling by visiting different places in my own country, a feeling that I'm not locked up in the old bullshit-smalltown mentality, and that even here I am in control of my own fucking life!! something so very few seem to grasp. And something that depressed me for the last weeks, to see the ones you love, give up life to laziness and deplorable thinking.
I am wrecking the dream babe, to get me a better one, the real dream, not the enslaved sadness of negativity, but the pure joy of living... forever in the springtime of things (like the chuang tzu).... I strongly believe in the transforming power of the good, the light and love... above all love.
I will take this change in my life, and make something good out of it, I will study and work, save and sharpen my gifts and above all... I will make music!!
I'm already working on new recordings and building a studio up my attic. It's gonna rock!!
I've also just started working and being in training to be an ambulance driver, a job I think i will really like, and will offer me a lot of flexibility to be both working and writing and making music and reading and drawing and crocheting and all the damn things and crafts and arts I believe make my life beautiful... and I love life, and I don't wanna hear no more negative bullshit about how much it sucks to people... I know there's some bad thing happening, but if you use those things to be a lazy person and waist your life to the pretense of sadness... well that's really too bad, and I don't wanna hear it! oh, just blasting off steam here...
anyhow I love you all and I wish you all the light and rainbowcoloured dreams, mystical experience and loving kindness you need, and much much more!!!!
xx
steven
ps: as soon as I find the time I will post some stories about my little trips from the last month, france and england were such a blast I got to tell you about them!!
plus maybe some new children stories I'm working on... once they're finished
much love xox
